Sit Down Darling. It’s Time We Had a Talk. (About Your Website.)
May I be frank here? Actually, wait, I’m not sure why I asked you that. I’m definitely going to be frank here. We just…we just need to talk. It’s time I explained something to you.
It’s, well…it’s just that it’s not me, it’s you. And by saying it’s you, I mean it’s your website.
My dear, we just can’t work things out if you won’t put more effort into your site – I’m leaving you and your site if you don’t fix things up. Immediately. It’s unbelievably easy for me to leave and move on to the next site—and that’s exactly what I’m going to do if you won’t start taking care of my needs.
It’s been too long. I can’t sugarcoat things any longer.
I must let you know how I feel. Here goes.
You don’t care. I know you’re not thinking of me; you’re just thinking of yourself. Here are just a few reasons I say this to you:
- My darling, do you take me for a fool? Do you believe my intelligence to be at such a sub-standard level that I’d believe your site’s testimonials are actually real? I know those are stock photos; in fact, I saw a photo of that first girl in some Acai Berry popup ad last week. I know the chances of 17 “happy clients” each writing exactly two sentences that use the same adjectives in the same word patterns is astronomically high. And I found it laughable that each “happy client” had a name along the lines of George, Sue, John, or Jill. I hate to admit it, but I don’t feel like I can trust you anymore. I know you lie.
- I’ve exerted so much energy trying to understand you, yet you’re still just a closed book. I looked over your entire homepage. I waded through miles of self-back-patting and self-praise on your About page. And you know what, my love? I read Every. Single. Word. on your Services page. I’m so sorry, but I can’t waste my energy with you any longer because, after all this time, I still have absolutely no idea what it is that you do or what it is that you can offer to me.
- You take, take, take–yet I still don’t know what, if anything, I’ll ever receive from you in return. I found your site’s contact form; it asked me for some very personal details. (Why did you need to know my physical address at that point in our relationship?) You never told me what you’d do for me if I took a chance and shared my info with you. Would you start filling my inbox with spam? Would a high pressure sales rep call me the next day? I mean, darling, I didn’t even know how long it would take for you to get back to me. (Would I be sitting by the phone, tapping my fingers for days on end??!) I needed you, and I shared my private information with you via your contact form – but I didn’t know if you’d be there for me or how we might take the next step together. You just couldn’t communicate with me! Moving forward with someone who takes so easily but can’t shed light on how my efforts will (if ever) be reciprocated is a risk I just don’t want to take.
- I never know what to expect from you. You have links telling me to “Click here!,” but I don’t know what I’ll get or where I’ll go if I click there. Your About page has an animated globe graphic, and though my cursor turns into a hand when I mouse over it, I have no clue as to what I’ll get if I click that graphic. I went to your “Upcoming Events” page but it was blank; I’m unsure whether you’ve forgotten to update that page, you don’t care enough to keep the page updated, or you simply don’t have any upcoming events. I don’t want to guess any longer. Why oh why can’t you think about my needs for once and just tell me what I need to know? I’m trying so hard to work with you here, but I can’t if you’ll never be upfront about what I can expect from you.
- The way you explain things makes it difficult for me to understand what I should focus on. Your site’s pages contain paragraph upon paragraph of text. Each paragraph contains lengthy sentence after lengthy sentence. There are no headlines. Nothing to let me jump about the page and zero in on the content I care about. It’s just blah blah blah blah blah you you you. I don’t have the patience to read through everything you want to share about yourself nor the time to comb through the endless amounts of text that details all you can do. Get to the point or give me a summary upfront so I know if I want to go further with you. I don’t want to waste my time with you if we’re not a good match from the start.
- Your photos are awful. They’re just… well, dear god they’re awful. You’ve spent time and money getting me to your site, yet you had your buddy take photos of your physical location, staff, and products. Between blasting everything with the flash and dark shadows covering half the shots, the unflattering presentation of your products doesn’t even allow me to tell if I’m interested in what you’re selling or not. Beautiful, professional photos would help me make informed decisions. They’d allow me to feel confident that I’m making good choices by buying from you. I want to know what I’m getting. So why on earth wouldn’t you invest in professional photography? Why would you choose not to position yourself as a professional? Why would you choose to present yourself to the world as a semi-rinky-dink-I-operate-out-of-my-closet-so-please-won’t-you-take-a-risk-and-buy-from-me type of company?? Take some pride in yourself, use gorgeous photos to entice me, and really show me what you’ve got. Make me want what you’re selling, not doubt it!
I hope you get the picture now, darling.
I hope you can see how it’s come to this: either you change, or I’m leaving you for another website because, honey: this may be your site, but I’m the one who has to use it.
And as I leave you to ponder all I’ve said, allow me to reverse my main point in closing: when it comes to you and your website, it’s actually about me, not you.